What do I really want? -- Who am I?
It was very easy for me to get intimidated by my own thoughts and feelings; there was just too much pain, confusion and resistance.
Somehow I was never at peace for long; always busy sinking instead of thinking clearly.
Amazing that it is so much easier to create separation, than to embrace what we have in common.
What makes us human, where are we seemingly stuck...
Can I allow and embrace the openness of "I don't know"?
I enjoy to be alone, but I also very much appreciate the company of other people who are interested beyond the usual hi and bye.
Instead to protect my good old "me" I enjoy the gentle challenge to examine within myself where I am still blaming another for what is my own suffering and confusion.
Heartfelt human contact can be precious, nurturing and inspiring.
We don't even need to like each other; we maybe disagree, but when there is openness and interest to look and feel beyond the surface "me", then most likely love has a chance to be allowed...
... a subtle aliveness different than the usual busyness, excitement, or drama of "me".
Amazingly, that what I always longed for is always here and now; but my own restlessness and thinking distracted me from the most obvious:
Awareness is effortless.
It is easier to blame 'other' people and circumstances than to allow to be present with what is, here and now.
It turned out that gently investigating my own "I don't like this" deconstructs my own self-entertained prison.
Mr. Jesus says: "don't resist evil, ... don't judge by appearances, ... let us reason together"... all of this is easily misunderstood in our thinking head.
Not to scare you away from your own unaware uncomfortableness, but there is so much light, beauty, wisdom, generosity and love everywhere, here and now, if we just "stop" and risk to surrender our confused and exhausted "me" to the peace of simply being present.
To me human contact/friendship -- for example via Zoom -- is precious in allowing to feel touched, to relax my inner isolation, to see, feel and understand that what I judge and reject in 'others' is my own ignorance, fear and doubt.
Hard to describe, but maybe we can simply agree that human contact is important, and it doesn't need to make sense.
Maybe even just to be quiet together, and to not immediately run away into our old social games and investments our ego hangs on for dear life.
Allowing maybe the initial awkwardness but then to drop into the peace that is always here and now.
In-team, not to escape being alone, but to embrace peace of mind in daily living, independent of circumstances.
Again, not to burden you with dead religious beliefs, but to embrace the potential discovery that we simply overlook our own peace and fulfillment:
Until now you have asked nothing in My name [I am]. Ask and you will receive, that your joy may be full.
You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.